This is the guy who has been preoccupying my thoughts lately. Sure, I’m married to someone else. Hey! No need for a sneeizure! I’ve been worried about him. Oh, he looks fine here. But, … Long story. Keep reading. Please?

When last we met, I shared the cryptic, terse, stilted, cheerless, eleven-word email response from comedian Gary Gulman to my complimentary, heartfelt, clever, compassionate, disquisition (it’s a real word, People) on my concerns about his mental health.

“Thank you for caring. I’ll be OK. Happy Holidays. Gary”

What does this mean … except for he is grateful, he’ll be fine, and he wants me to enjoy the holidays? You know as well as I do things are never that straightforward.

You don't have to be Einstein to know that this dude is trying be something that he isn't.

Zings are never zimple. I make good name for myself by complicmacating everyzing. 

So, let’s figure this out.

Just the Facts Ma’am

Fact #1: I’m not a stalker. This is important. Stalking is not on my “Bucket List.” Having a “Bucket List” is not on my “Bucket List.” Gary, I’m not one of those fans.

Fact #2: Gary spoke openly and at painful lengths during his comedy show about his current struggles with depression. In other words, he invited me into his pain. So, what? now I’m a psycho because I keep thinking and writing and thinking and writing (and thinking) about him?

Fact #3: I’m a Highly Sensitive Person. I have ESR (Emotion Seeking Radar). Just think of Heat Seeking Missiles, only much kinder, less shiny, and less expensive to taxpayers; but just as accurate, fast and potentially damaging. Once deployed, there is no way to stop it (no matter what you’ve seen in Mission Impossible or Chick Flick movies).

Kind of melts your heart, huh? And other important stuff, too...

Kind of melts your heart, huh? And other important stuff, too…

Are you tired of facts? Good. Me, too. Let’s move on to edumacated guesses about what Gary’s message might really mean.

Edumacated Guesses … Really, Just Guesses

As a Ph.D. sociologist, I never liked the definition of a hypothesis as an “educated guess.” It’s oxymoronic. And I’m neither an ox or a moron.

I don’t know the meaning of Gary’s message or if Gary even wrote the message. So, I’m just spit-balling here. But, let’s give it a go anyway.

Here are my guesses on the possible meanings of his response.

  1. He meant what he said. Nah. No doubt, he meant the “thanks,” and “well wishes” parts. I’m telling you, Gary is one super-duper-pookie-pal. (DISCLAIMER: He and I have never met. But, Highly Sensitive People know these things.
  2. He’s a Jewish comedian. I’m one-quarter Jewish. I know Jewish sarcasm. “Thank you for caring. I’ll be OK. Happy Holidays.” Oy! He should have sent me some aloe vera cream for the burn.
  3. He has his manager handle all his “fan mail,” and his manager is not a creative writer.
  4. He forgot he was responding in email, not Twitter. Come on, Gary, with spaces and punctuation, you still had at least 120 more characters of love you could’ve sent me.
  5. He’s intrigued. He made his response purposefully cryptic so I would email him back. His plan? A whole new act based on this weird Portland fan with the email handle “dizzylorna.” It’ll be hilarious! Only I didn’t email him back.
  6. His girlfriend saw the email, stood behind him, and watched as he typed the email SHE dictated to him to be sure to end this “thing” between us before it even got going. You know, I have this Scorpio Vibe that I have very little control over. Sorry if I got you in trouble, Gary. It happens a lot.

Okay. I’m all out of ideas, guesses.

Do you have any theories?

Do you care?

I’m only doing this because I’m guessing you’d like to focus on something other than the weather, aging, dieting, aging, writer’s block, aging, politics, aging, or taxes. Or aging.

That’s not completely true, which is to say, that’s false. I’m doing this because I said I would. But I still want to know your edumacated guesses!

1966: Kathleen Breck as the college girl whose severed head is kept alive for experimental purposes, and Dana Andrews as the sinister Nazi scientist Dr Norberg, in a scene from the film 'The Frozen Dead'. (Photo by Keystone Features/Getty Images)

Could you stop staring at me? I’m trying to clear my head from all this talk about aging. I have my whole life a head of me. No body will get in my way. (I know this if off topic, but I couldn’t resist.)